A New Year, A New Blessing

Hey look... Another post I forgot to actually post.  It snowed here in Wa this winter.  That made me so happy!  

If anyone is still reading this old blog.  I'm thinking about making weekly blog posting one of my new habits.  I know a daily post situation isn't happening right now, but weekly seems super reasonable.  Is anyone out there still reading?

annnnd... I fell apart

Have you ever been lost?  How about alone and creeped out late at night?

I remember one time when I was walking home from youth group at like 10 pm in late fall.  I grew up in northern Arizona.  It is the largest Ponderosa Pine forest in the world.  We have ski resorts up there.  It isn't what people typically think of when they think of Arizona.  Anyway, in the fall, the air becomes really crisp and it gets REALLY quiet at night.  I should also mention that we had black bears, coyotes, and a lot of skunks in my neighborhood.  I chose to walk home rather than call my parents to pick me up, because I was angry (about something stupid probably... I was THAT kind of teenager.  Sorry Mom!) and I needed to blow off steam.  I didn't realize that a couple of miles in the stillness with some pretty big fears could be such a panic creating thing.  It was.  As I was walking, I realized there were no cars out, there were hardly any lights, and no one knew I was out there.  I felt so alone walking down the roads of empty summer homes.  I was afraid I would run into a bear.  It was the time of year they were desperate to finish fattening up, so they were coming into the neighborhood more to get into trash cans.  I thought I might be able to scare off the skittish coyotes, and I was making enough noise shuffling my feat to not scare the skunks.  I was the only noise in the neighborhood.  There haven't been many nights since then that I have heard such stillness and quiet back home.  It was as if the world was quiet with anticipation of some great moment.   All I could feel was fear.  I am NOT a fan of the dark.  Really terrible things have happened in my life in the dark.  I really shouldn't have made the choice to put myself out there.  With each few steps, I let my fears take deeper root and start to twist my perceptions.  It was as if trees twisted into terrifying shapes.  Each leaf caught by the slight breeze caught my eye.
Have you ever had that alone and paranoid feeling?  It makes your heart pound, and your stomach drop.  It makes you stop thinking clearly, and forget any boldness you once had.  It could completely consume you if you let it.

It has been probably 17 years since that night, and I had completely forgotten about it.... until 2 weeks ago. Since I moved to Washington, I didn't realize how much I had given into my fears.  It hasn't been the same fears as that night; but rather loneliness, worry about my marriage, feelings of inadequacy as a parent, hopelessness, and lack of faith. The strange thing is that one day I realized that I was being consumed by my fears, and my mind immediately flashed back to that moment so many years ago. It was the same physiological response.

I suppose it is true that every experience we go through teaches us something we will use later.  This was one of those moments that statement was true. When I had experienced that fear earlier, I calmed my fears by singing every hymn I could remember from our Lutheran hymnal.  I sang songs we had taught the children in VBS.  I sang church camp songs.  I sang through my neighborhood and by the time I got home, I was freezing cold and very happy.  Part of the way through my songs, I had realized that I wasn't seeking the Lord about my fears.  I had completely forgotten every verse I KNEW about not fearing, or about His protection.  The words of those hymns had soothed my soul and pointed my heart heavenward.  As I sang, I prayed words of praise.  I was so thankful for that beautiful, peaceful night and the chance to have quiet worship.  I completely forgot about anything that had almost pulled me under moments earlier.  It was amazing.  That transformation was something I remembered clearly in the moment the memory had flooded my mind this month.  I was in the same situation of letting my fear consume me, and all I needed to do was remember to whom I belonged.  I needed to remember that my purpose is not to wallow in self pity and hide in my home.  I needed to get out and live my life of worship.

I am trying to spend more moments in gratitude.  Even times when I am feeling so much fear and uncertainty, I am trying to seek the Lord and his peace.  Singing those same hymns have brought me so much peace and hope.  Obviously I needed to be reminded that I have been walking off the path I should be.  I have been making choices that have put me in the dark.  I have pushed everyone away so that I am alone in the dark.  I needed to remember that I am not a victim and I am the one who chooses how things affect me.  I am very fortunate to have some friends who have reminded me of that as well.

I feel like I am finally walking back into the light.  Fear is still here, but it isn't consuming me.  My friend reminded me that I am not going to drown.  I don't know if I have found hope, but I have found gratitude.

So there we are.  I thought I was going to be this great blogger and write really interesting and fun things the whole year my husband is gone.  I didn't expect to fall apart and then blither for an unusually long time on my blog.   It is a process, I guess.  Maybe I will learn something from my failed blogging attempts, and one day offer you a really interesting and useful blog. In the mean time, thank you.  Thank you for sticking with me, for taking some time to read about my experiences.

Blessings,
Mandy

This is the new "normal"

Yesterday, my world changed.  I said goodbye to my beloved for a year and put him on a plane headed toward the Middle East.  As he walked out of sight beyond the checkpoints, this strange thing happened.  It felt as if all of the air was completely sucked out of my lungs.  Normally, when I feel dread or another strong emotion, it feels like a drop in the pit of my stomach.  This was different.  For a moment, there was no air, no way for me to breathe.  I was trying to hold it together for the children, but it came in waves.

We walked to the escalator, *no air.*  

We walked to the parking garage, *no air.*  

We got into the van, *no air.*  

We got onto the freeway, *no air.*  

We walked into the house without him, *no air.*  

Every step I took was farther away from him.

I still catch myself, and remind myself to fight for that breath.

It isn't like this is our first time being apart.  We spent almost 2 1/2 years apart in the early years of his Army career.  We have spent months apart.  When we added it up this last year, we haven't spent even half of our marriage together because he has been gone for military related things.  It felt completely bizarre to be so affected by this separation.  

The thing is... We haven't had an easy marriage.  We have struggled through a lot of not so wonderful things to get to this point.  We have had a wonderful couple of years, though.  These last 2 years have definitely been my favorite as far as my marriage is concerned.  I love my husband so much more than I could have imagined several years ago.  I think that is probably why it hurts the way it does.  

I am going to have some extra time in the evenings for a while.... so I am going to post more.   I'll put my discombobulated thoughts out into the world, and hope that every once in a while, I can be an encouragement, or can be someone to relate to.  

Today, I am just being someone who is coping.  

I am determined to make this year worthwhile.  My amazing husband is making this sacrifice so that we can have this life.  I refuse to not let it inspire us to do our best each day.

For anyone out there who is hanging in there with me, thank you.  Thank you for taking the time to read about my day.  

Tomorrow, I will tell you about my move to the most beautiful place I have ever lived.  

Blessings,

Mandy

Goals

I have a lot of really big things happening this year.  I feel like I am standing at the bottom of a really huge mountain, getting my gear ready to climb.  Only a week ago, I would have told you that there is NO WAY I could make it to the top, that I could never find out what is on the other side.  Fortunately, I have great friends who challenge me, and hold me accountable for things when I am feeling incapable.

Here are the challenges from friends that I have accepted for this month:

*Do a book club challenge.   This is what we are reading.  It is great!  It has both cleaning and heart related challenges.  I am on day 3, and I find it to be a good combination of encouragement and assignment.  On a side note, I was encouraged by one of my dearest friends to start reading more, because it is always something that was a part of me.  I am so glad she reminded me of who I am at my core.  I read a book this afternoon, A.S. and it brought me serious joy.  I don't think I will be feeling quite so desperate.  ;-)


*Joining my bestie in encouragement, prayer, and fasting.  We are keeping each other accountable for our attitudes as well as our to-do lists.  We committed to not allow ourselves to have a rotten 2015.

*Working out on a regular basis.  I have the best beach body coach...ever.  This year I am saving my life and kicking butt.  I actually lost weight over the holidays.  That is how awesome beach body is.  Now that I know what I have been missing, I plan on becoming completely addicted to my daily workout.

*Making church and Christian fellowship a priority.  It is going to be one of those years that I really need to make sure I don't retreat into my shell and stop talking to people.  I FINALLY found a church that we all really love, which makes me incredibly happy.  Our next semester of PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel... a non-denominational Christian women's Bible study and service group) is about to begin, and I am not going to let myself become invisible there.  I have been going for 2 years, and still have people I have had several classes with asking me if I am new.  Nope... just quiet. I will be the one getting involved, volunteering, and helping others this year.

*Blogging.  This is kind of one that I am doing for myself a bit.  I don't know if people actually read all this craziness, but I know that it helps me to get it all typed out.  You are my therapy.  Thank you.  I can keep sharing pictures of my favorite people if I keep blogging.  Seeeeeeeee....

*Blogging a once a week recap of school.  One of my homeschooling friends who has children in preschool through college helped me reevaluate my homeschooling.  I was surprised to hear how much more we do than most other families.  It is encouraging to know that I am not just ruining my children.  She thought it would help me to see the good things happening (looking over that failure wall) if I blogged about that.  I'll try to keep my homeschooling craziness on my homeschooling blog.    ;-)

So, even though I know I am still in a war with depression, and I have many more difficulties ahead of me, I am gearing up for the trip up the mountain.  For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to the view from the top.

Do you do resolutions or annual goals?  Those who fear failure as I do, generally don't make resolutions knowing there is a chance they will be broken.  You can't fail if you don't try, right?  WRONG!!!  You miss out on so much if you don't try.  I've missed out on a lot.

My Sister-in-law reminded me that we need to live with no regrets.  She is absolutely right.  Looking back, feeling sorry for oneself, and regretting the past will do no one any good.

I need to have the accountability in place to keep going with positive things, so with challenges accepted, scheduled, and in process, I am ready to move FORWARD.

How can I encourage you in your goal making/keeping?

Let's move FORWARD together!!!

Blessings,
Mandy
#forward15

Hope

I recently did a Facebook post to my closest friends saying that I was completely lost in this failing 2014 thing.  I lost hope.
If there is something I have always clung to... it is hope.
It is something I always remind my struggling friends of.  It is something I always remind my children of.  It is something that I lost complete track of.
Without hope, everything is dark.  Darkness breeds scary things.  It allows loneliness and depression to creep in and take over.
It is completely consuming.
I am not allowing it to rob me of joys in my life.
I am not allowing it to keep me from being thankful for the great things I have.

My family isn't quitting.

I am not quitting.

There really is hope.

I needed to be reminded of that.  I needed to be scolded a bit and prayed for a lot.  I remembered that it is what keeps me going.

I was looking for hope in all the wrong places.  Working towards impossible goals won't bring hope.

I am so thankful I have amazing people in my life to remind me of how truly blessed I am.  In my hopeless state, I didn't even see a point in living.  I feel like my eyes have been opened and I can see more clearly.  Everything in life isn't going to be pretty or easy.  It may be hard every day for the rest of my life.  What has to change is my perspective.

Here is what I have to live for.   Here is who I hope for....

Where does my hope come from???

My hope comes from the Lord.

He is the one who held my head above water, while I have felt about to drown this last year.   He is the one who placed stubborn and encouraging friends in my life who refuse to give up on me.  He is the one who extends me the grace I don't deserve, and reminds me to do the same with my family.  He is the one I am turning to, focusing on, now.  My hope comes from the Lord, and I hope one day soon my life brings Him glory.

It is happening. 

#FORWARD15

Blessings, 

Mandy

FAILINGnotfailing

Failure.
There it is.  My constant fear, my constant nemesis if you will.  It haunts me in every area of my life. The little voice in the back of my head telling me that if it isn't perfect, it is failure.

Another year, barely blogged....
Failure.
Another year struggling in homeschool...
Failure.
Another year constantly working to change things in my marriage...
Failure.
Another year, still fat and completely insecure...
Failure.
Another year feeling like I am ruining my children....
Failure.
Another year, barely holding on to my faith....
Failure.

What is this?
It is like a wall.  Each perceived failure becomes a brick in this wall that blocks my view of what great things are happening in my life.  It's so much more than having blinders to the positive things, it is not being able to see them at all!  All I can seem to see these days is the shortcomings.  Life is so much more than that.  We are so much more than the sum of things we don't excel at.  We don't have to be perfect all the time.  We can't!

Yeah, I didn't blog this year.  I missed the last 10 years as well.  No one is just DYING to know what is going on in our lives.  It is okay if I keep my ramblings to myself for a year or two (or ten), right?  I spent more time playing games (am I the only one addicted to Words with Friends?) with my husband online.  That is what I needed.  We had fun.  I don't regret not focusing on blogging.  I may actually have failed at that, but good came out of it.

The never ending homeschool struggle.  Is there a book I read somewhere that made me think this would ever be easy?  Being responsible for the education of four very different children is a lot of work.  It is thankless work.  They have the memories of parakeets.  They get that from me.  Do I double fail because of that?  What I struggled to see was that J has an 'A' in math.  My son, who used to cry every day for years about math, is succeeding.  M is finally (FREAKING FINALLY) remembering his parts of speech.  Who knew he needed hands on reinforcements.  Homemade games work wonders!  N is actually comprehending what he reads and listens to.  Take that Colin Powell Preschool special ed department.  Not only can he "function like a typical person," but he is thriving.  A is taking off and finding her passions.  She kicked dyslexia's butt and spends hours and hours READING.  They are finding such huge successes.  The day-to-day stuff is tough and we all get frustrated, but those things are huge... and that isn't even all of the major stuff they have accomplished.

I didn't expect to be married right now.  I thought for sure, this was the year we would finally give in. The fact that we are still together, and that we are even stronger says an awful lot about the things I couldn't see in my marriage.  There is not failure there.  It feels that way sometimes.  I am not the dream wife I have in my head.  I still haven't tricked him into saying  convinced him to say heard the three words I have longed to hear from my husband for more than 13 years.... "you are beautiful"   My marital unicorn.  I want to be whatever my husband thinks is beautiful.  I am not. I may never be.  There will always be that broken hole in my heart longing for those words to be spoken sincerely.  I am working.  I am working to become what I think he wants me to be.  Someday....  Maybe everything I see over the wall still points to failing as a wife, but not failing in doing this marriage thing.  Is that possible?

My children.  They are amazing.  They deserve better.  That is an area I am constantly failing.  There is no way to master this whole being a mother thing.  There are always one million ways to approach any situation.  I could have reacted differently to one situation, or been more proactive in another.  I say hurtful things or enable helplessness.  Moment by moment, I have to get on my tip toes to see over that dang wall and peek at the good things they learn from me.  They are just the best people.  If you haven't met them, you will someday.  They are going to change our world.

Fat.  Fat and insecure.  That is a failing duo of dysfunction.  I have a beach body coach.  I have a plan.  I have more determination than ever.  I am failing, but I WILL NOT always be.

It is hard to see the good in so many complicated areas of our lives.  I know I am not the only person who struggled in 2014.  There are many, many reasons I chose the word of the year that I did.  My word is FORWARD.  I don't want to look back.  I want to keep moving forward.  I want to set better goals and never stop working to accomplish those goals.  This is not the year for quitting anything.  I have some things going on in my life that make me want to just lock myself in my room and cry all day.  I absolutely will not let myself get to that point this year.  This is not a year to be depressed.  This is not a year to be thinking dark thoughts.  This is not a year to dwell on the negatives.  This is a year to move FORWARD.

It doesn't matter how much I failed or didn't fail in 2014.  I am moving FORWARD in 2015, and nothing can stop me.

Won't you join me in my plan to make 2015 a year of FORWARD momentum?

Thank you for putting up with me.

Blessings,
Mandy #forward15

Memory Making is BEAUTIFUL

At the beginning of the year, my husband had to go to Virginia to attend a military school.  He went last year, and I really missed out on a lot of experiences with him, so this year I asked if we could join him.   Sending the whole family out for several months during school wouldn't be practical.  We decided to fly the children and I out for his graduation.  We figured we could take the children to D.C. and have a lot of really cool experiences.  I have ALWAYS wanted to see the Smithsonian museums.  I couldn't be more excited about the whole thing.  We also decided to keep it a secret until the day we flew.

Most of the plans worked.

We told the children about the trip the day before we left, so that we could pack together.  We flew out there without any issues.  It was most of the children's first time on a plane!  We were able to upgrade my husband's hotel room so that there was enough space for us.  What made it really special was that my husband's sister and her family were able to come down for his graduation.  They are a really fun family to be around, and I can't even tell you how SUPER excited the children were about having some cousin time.  You know how every family has that one really fun couple that are totally creative and everyone wants to be around them?  That's not us, that's them.  It was so good to be with family.  I wish so often that we could live closer.  What made it EVEN MORE SPECIAL was that my Beloved's parents flew in as well.  I don't know how it works in your family, but having parents present to say we are proud of you and we love you means the world to my husband.  It was a surprise that meant more than we could ever explain. We had a family reunion, graduation, and family vacation all in one weekend!  It was truly amazing.  

We were able to spend time in several of the museums, walk the museum mile, and even spend some time in Williamsburg.  

We even got to stop for a quick break to see our favorite TV stars!  

If we wouldn't have taken the moment to dare to ask each other if we could pull it all off, we would have missed out on so many amazing memory making experiences.  We would never have walked the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.  We wouldn't have stared in awe at the amazing sights in the Air and Space Museum. 

 We wouldn't have been able to visit the memorial walls and honor the fallen.  We had so many once in a lifetime experiences, I am so glad we were both bold enough to dream.  Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in the schedules, budgets, and time constraints.  If we don't boldly run towards those new experiences and make those memories, we will have regrets.  

I don't EVER want to live with regrets.

Please, dear readers, don't miss out on those opportunities with your children.  Big or little, it is worth it to make time to give them those memories.  It is worth it.  It is beautiful

Blessings,

Mandy

Grace is BEAUTIFUL

I know I started this series with the intention to blog every day for 30 days.  Part of choosing to be PRESENT in my family life means that they come first.  I have been gone for a few days enjoying my family.
The perfectionist side of me wants desperately to type up some kind of post for each day and back date it, but the grace-embracing side of me says... LET IT GO.  {Seriously, enough with that dang song, right?}

My last few days have been spent celebrating, reading with, and enjoying my children.  My two Cub Scouts moved up in rank.  I have a Webelo 1 and a Webelo 2, now.  Guess who the Den leader and Assistant Den Leaders are?  ;-)  My Beloved and I are looking forward to making this next year super fun for them.  We enjoyed a slow day, pool time, and family cooking on Sunday.  This week, the children started VBS.  They so enjoy Vacation Bible School.  It is such a great outreach ministry.

I have no words of wisdom to share with you other than STOP, SLOW DOWN, BE PRESENT, AND ENJOY THE LIFE YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN.

  

Thank you for allowing me the grace to take a break to enjoy these amazing young people!

Blessings,

Mandy

Being an Imperfect Mother is BEAUTIFUL

Imperfection.

I feel like I know an awful lot about imperfection.

As a person crippled by perfectionism, it can be a complicated thing.  I am beginning to have a really ugly relationship with Pinterest.  I go back and forth between LOVING how easy it is to organize information for reference later, and HATING how frustrating not being able to do MOST of the things I pin is.  Inevitably, I will end up going back and pinning a million more things I want to do, and hating my inability to manage time to do six million things a minute. But hey, I've probably got a pin for increasing productivity.

Who said we had to do weeks of crafts before every single holiday?  Some holidays, when I am really on top of things, we do a lot of crafts and activities.  Some holidays, I am thrilled to just make it through without my children noticing we did nothing.

Who said we had to spend hours and hours baking and decorating every single birthday cake?  You know what?  I bought ice cream cake for my daughter last year.  I LOVED how easy it was, and how very happy it made her.

Who said we have to live up to other people's ideas when it comes to mothering?

We don't.

Why do we do that to ourselves?  Each of us is going through something completely different than the person next to us.  We all have different children, who are in different stages, dealing with life differently.  WHY on earth would we think we have to do everything as well as, or in the same manner as someone else?  Why is there so little encouragement and grace in the mothering community?  Why are we not celebrating our differences and reminding each other to just do our best.  My best may look a lot like your worst.  Your best may look pretty similar to another person's worst.  There is no point in comparing.  We won't get anywhere with that.

Can you imagine a world where we all got together and celebrated each other's parenting.  I'm not talking about congratulating a mom who beats her children for being mother of the year.  I am talking about most moms.  Moms who are waking up each day with the intention of doing their very best for their family. The mothers who spend each day giving of themselves again and again in an effort to fill their children's love tanks.  I am talking about all of the moms out there who go to bed at the end of the day feeling guilty for not being able to do more, give more, create more.  I believe in my heart that most mothers go out of their way almost every day to make the world a better place.  So often, at the end of the day they feel like they haven't been successful.

Mama.... you are enough.

You will never be a perfect mom, but you are the perfect mom for your children.  The fact that you have the child or children you do is not a mistake.  Every day you make the choice to do your best, every time you start over (even the days when that has to happen hourly), you are doing something great for your children.  Childhood goes by so very quickly.  If we don't invest early and often with our time and our love, we will miss it.  You don't have to get it right every time.

Let them see you fail.
     Let them see you struggle.
          Let them see you broken.

BUT...

Let them see you try again.
     Let them see you choose to not give up.
          Let them see you ask for forgiveness and accept help.

Embrace imperfection.  Celebrate it in each other.  Love on another imperfect friend.  Allow your children to be imperfect as well, and show them how wonderful it is to get back up and try again.

Imperfectly yours,
Mandy

Books are BEAUTIFUL

This post contains affiliate links.  If you make a purchase, I receive a small portion of the proceeds.  I do not collect any of your information.

       

I love books!!!!

 Remember books?  The things with paper.  The ones you have to turn the pages, not swipe them on a screen?  The ones you buy and excitedly sniff?

Wait...doesn't everyone sniff books?  

(My mother-in-law and I had that discussion once.  I was thrilled to know she to sniffs books and touches the pages to feel the texture.)

Don't get me wrong.  I love that books are more accessible on every electronic device we use constantly.  I have been incredibly thankful for my kindle app on my phone during long waits at the doctor's office many times.  I just don't like reading a screen that much.  I want to feel the pages in my hand while I turn them.  I don't want a screen glowing at me while I read.
I would definitely consider myself a bibliophile, a person addicted and obsessed with books.  I love them.  I carry them in my purse and my car.  I have several in every room of my house.  They are just a part of every day in our lives.  When the children were younger, we would read in each room for at least 3 hours a day!  {How are they not sick of my voice, yet?} I am thankful we have chosen a homeschool program that focuses on great literature.  We have read biographies about Christopher Columbus, Pocahontas and several others at Jamestown, members of the Lewis and Clark expedition, and Johnny Appleseed.  My children and I feel like we KNOW these people.  History has become real to them.  *THE MAGIC OF READING*  We have read many, MANY other stories this year.  We read great poetry, fairy tales, and faith stories together every day.  It isn't something the children question.  Even with 3 reluctant readers, they all snuggle into the couch and listen to any story I tell.  You can see when they become excited over the adventure of a plot or emotionally connected to the characters in a story.  I think that is beautiful.  I thought I would share a few of our favorites from this past school year.
We read Fireside Stories every year.  It has stories from around the world for Winter Solstice, Christmas, New Years, and more.  We love our Barefoot Book stories.
We also started the Legend series that began with Nicholas St. North.  We really enjoyed the adventure of E. Aster Bunnymund.  The series is very imaginative and well written.
 
The biggest hit out of our required reading for the year was Seaman.  It is a story about the sweet Newfoundland dog that traveled with Lewis and Clark.  We learned a great deal about the journey taken from the book, but there were several of us who teared up at the end.  It is a touching story and suitable for everyone who loves silly dogs and adventure! 
Anah wanted to focus on poetry, so we started with one of my favorites, and have been reading The Children's Own Longfellow.   I have part of Haiwatha's Childhood memorized from when I was a little girl, and have been reciting it to the children their whole lives.  I love to see them fall in love with poetry.


Another favorite from my childhood that we have enjoyed is Blinky Bill.  It is a story from Australia about a very easy to relate to koala.  It was my favorite book then, and the children all have enjoyed it now.  Books are timeless.

I have three favorite books that I read throughout the year, every year.

Handbook of Nature Study which I would carry with us at all times if I could.  It has stories, facts, and great questions to ask about everything out in nature.  The children can identify most types of local ducks and geese because of it.

The Book of Virtues is a book full of great character building stories and poems.  When we are all having difficult days, it is great to be able to pull out this book and use the stories to offer a different perspective.  There are a million awesome activities to do with it online.  If anyone needs resources for that, please let me know in a comment.  I am always happy to share resources.

Finally, A Charlotte Mason Companion: Personal Reflections on The Gentle Art of Learning(TM) is a treasure.  Charlotte Mason was an educational savant.  I have enjoyed her writing, but it would take an awful long time to make it through all of her books each year.  I LOVE this book by Karen Andreola.  It condenses the ideals of Charlotte Mason into an easy to understand and very practical book.  I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone who has ever considered homeschooling.


There you go.  I love these books.  They are all worn and loved.  They are unique and intriguing.  They are beautiful.

Read on my friends.

Blessings,
Mandy

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Dreaming is BEAUTIFUL

Are you a dreamer?

I don't know if I am what one would consider a dreamer.  I have a lot of type A tendencies, so I am more of a goal oriented person.  In the midst of my constant goal setting, I have these dreamy ideal ideas in my head.

Our someday dream home... a craftsman style home in the country, away from the noise and chaos of city life.

My dream homeschool... a place where the children LOVE to learn and are pursuing their passions while learning incredible things about our world.

That moment I figure out how to become Stepford...when my home is perfect and I accomplish everything I want to every single day while looking an awful lot like someone who isn't me.

It isn't real, but I tend to stay focused on those things and they offer me hope.  Maybe I will never accomplish the things I hope to, but I sure will enjoy the journey.

Dreaming offers us a chance to imagine the impossible, then reach for it.

 

I didn't realize how important having time to dream was until I started talking about it with our children.  I love hearing their plans for the future.  I know that they may not end up doing the things we talk about, but until they have to face that, I am going to do my very best to encourage them to pursue their dreams, to embrace their passions, and to never loose hope.

My Josh is an avid reader.  I may be wrong, but it seems that people who read a lot have much more vivid imaginations.  Readers have to picture the lives of the characters in their books in such detail that they know them well.  Having to create such imagery in their minds must make them more imaginative.  Doesn't that make sense?  Is imagination a mental muscle that has to be flexed?  

Anywho... He is a young man who has a passion for science.  I caught him a few years ago having a lengthy discussion with a little boy on our front porch about creationism.  He explained both the viewpoints of creationists and evolutionists, then described the scientific evidences for both cases.  It was truly impressive.  He would love to become a paleontologist.  He thinks there needs to be a greater stance for creationism in professional science.  He knows there will be a lot of hurdles to accomplish this dream because it is so counterculture, but he is doing everything he can to learn about the sciences so that one day, he can confidently pursue that passion.

My Matthew has wanted to be a police officer as long as I can remember.  He is the boy who clapped when President Bush came on television, who watched c-span, and who has always been quietly determined to do whatever he wants.  He is the kind of serious kid who will do what he sets out to do.  He even spent time doing research on what he would have to do before police academy, so that he would have the requirements filled before he finishes high school.  He is 10.  This boy dreams of dressing in blue and serving and protecting.  I stand behind him 1000%.

Nathan is a wild card.  He has no idea what he wants to be.  He isn't sure what he loves to do.  He is quite content just being a little boy.  I am going to have to work hard to convince him that he can not just be a cute little boy for the rest of his life.  He is a sweetheart, and I am sure he will be able to charm his way into whatever he dreams of.  He does love math.  I have thought about doing some activities with him to see if he would like engineering.  I can totally see him finding a lot of success there.  I guess his dream is to live each moment to the fullest.... and to beat his high score on the video games against the older boys.  Priorities

 people!  ha!

Anah is totally a dreamer.  She is my left-handed, super creative, totally blonde, only girl.  Sometimes, I have no idea what to do with her.  Her over-analyzing, uptight, tomboy mom is a little clueless.  The great thing is, she loves to just lay outside with me, watching the clouds and talking about the future.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE these moments.  Anah wants to go to college to become an artist and teacher, get married to a handsome soldier, have 3 girls and 1 boy, and happily paint with her children for the rest of her life.  She wants to own horses, and learn how to do equine vetrinary stuff.  She absolutely loves horses.  She didn't know she had such an inclination until she did a horse badge at girl scout camp.  I completely believe horses and little girls belong together.  

Their dreams are so different.  I love seeing their plans and their hopes evolve.  Everyone should spend time dreaming.  We just need to remember that they are just dreams... We need to spend time enjoying our reality as well.  

If we live in a state of contentment, our dreams never seem too far away.

Blessings to you dear dreamer,

Mandy

PS:  I love comments.. good or bad, I can take it.  I hope these words aren't just going out and disappearing into cybernothing.

Change is BEAUTIFUL

Do you resist change?

  In times of change, people often offer us great advice.  My favorite statement made to me when I was freaking out about my life being uprooted again was "The only thing you can count on is change."  Well, thank you.... I had no idea.  How about "Pull up your big girl panties and soldier on."  That one was really helpful.  It just conjures images of granny panties and drill sergeants.  Nope.  Not helping.  "Just keep swimming."  Yes, I know that perseverance often pays off.  I will actually admit to saying this to someone.  *facepalm*  Sorry, poor stressed out friend.  I ran out of useful things to say  that day.  Please forgive me.
  Change comes in many forms.  Children growing older, adding to your family, loosing members of your family, moving, changing careers, making better life choices, and finding a new normal are only a tiny sampling of the changes going on in the lives of people around me.  In my life, we are settled in and trying to change habits, live differently, constantly improve as a family, waiting on the next thing the Army has planned for my husband, and trying to figure out where we all belong.  It feels like we only have moments of stillness in between our lives getting shaken up.
  It isn't always easy to see the good in the changes we go through.  Some things are so difficult to go through, we can't even imagine what is on the other side of the hurdle.  Sometimes we can't see that a future is even possible.  Why do we think that in the midst of the most stretching parts of our lives, we are alone?  Where is God in the middle of change?  He reminds us in Hebrews 13:5 that He will never leave us, or forsake us.  Does that mean that we won't experience frustration or stress?  Nope.  That means that we need to press in, to lean on Him even more.  Psalm 55:2 says cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.  If it seems like a situation is too crazy to handle alone, it's because it is.  We aren't meant to live this life alone.  We are meant to live it in and with the Lord, and with the people He placed around us.  Allowing friends and family to come in and love on us in the midst of life change is a good thing.  Some of us just need to feel useful.  Just sayin'.

That is a promise that you can hold on to.  I know this to be true.

  The thing that I have found to be beautiful in change is that I am never the same person.  Duh, right?  Stay with me here.  There is such a rich experience in taking whatever we have gone through and learning from it.  We become stronger, we love more, we realize what is truly important in our lives.  I am in the middle of trying to change a lot in my life.  The process is long, and rarely ever easy, but I know that every step I take toward becoming the woman I hope to be someday, is worth it.  I know that even in the middle of the process, I am a better wife, a better mother, and a better friend.  It is never comfortable, but who said life was going to be simple?  We would never have the saying "that's life," if it was easy. 

  I think we would all struggle with our lives so much more if everything always stayed the same.  How could we ever appreciate how amazing life is, if things never got shaken up?  

  I am so thankful that my life has changed so much in the past few years.  I have had healing in relationships in my life that I never ever thought would be restored.  I have learned to see others through God's eyes.  I took of my judgmental legalistic lenses and saw with fresh eyes.  Amazing.  

Life is beautiful.

(but that's another day's topic)

Thanks for sticking with me and reading my blog.  I tend to type as I speak, which is pretty disjointed and awkward, but I hope you can see the sincerity.  I really hope you are noticing the beauty around you.  There is a lot of it.

Blessings,
Mandy