Monday, May 4, 2015

This is the new "normal"

Yesterday, my world changed.  I said goodbye to my beloved for a year and put him on a plane headed toward the Middle East.  As he walked out of sight beyond the checkpoints, this strange thing happened.  It felt as if all of the air was completely sucked out of my lungs.  Normally, when I feel dread or another strong emotion, it feels like a drop in the pit of my stomach.  This was different.  For a moment, there was no air, no way for me to breathe.  I was trying to hold it together for the children, but it came in waves.
We walked to the escalator, *no air.*  
We walked to the parking garage, *no air.*  
We got into the van, *no air.*  
We got onto the freeway, *no air.*  
We walked into the house without him, *no air.*  
Every step I took was farther away from him.
I still catch myself, and remind myself to fight for that breath.

It isn't like this is our first time being apart.  We spent almost 2 1/2 years apart in the early years of his Army career.  We have spent months apart.  When we added it up this last year, we haven't spent even half of our marriage together because he has been gone for military related things.  It felt completely bizarre to be so affected by this separation.  

The thing is... We haven't had an easy marriage.  We have struggled through a lot of not so wonderful things to get to this point.  We have had a wonderful couple of years, though.  These last 2 years have definitely been my favorite as far as my marriage is concerned.  I love my husband so much more than I could have imagined several years ago.  I think that is probably why it hurts the way it does.  

I am going to have some extra time in the evenings for a while.... so I am going to post more.   I'll put my discombobulated thoughts out into the world, and hope that every once in a while, I can be an encouragement, or can be someone to relate to.  

Today, I am just being someone who is coping.  

I am determined to make this year worthwhile.  My amazing husband is making this sacrifice so that we can have this life.  I refuse to not let it inspire us to do our best each day.

For anyone out there who is hanging in there with me, thank you.  Thank you for taking the time to read about my day.  

Tomorrow, I will tell you about my move to the most beautiful place I have ever lived.