Thursday, January 1, 2015


There it is.  My constant fear, my constant nemesis if you will.  It haunts me in every area of my life. The little voice in the back of my head telling me that if it isn't perfect, it is failure.

Another year, barely blogged....
Another year struggling in homeschool...
Another year constantly working to change things in my marriage...
Another year, still fat and completely insecure...
Another year feeling like I am ruining my children....
Another year, barely holding on to my faith....

What is this?
It is like a wall.  Each perceived failure becomes a brick in this wall that blocks my view of what great things are happening in my life.  It's so much more than having blinders to the positive things, it is not being able to see them at all!  All I can seem to see these days is the shortcomings.  Life is so much more than that.  We are so much more than the sum of things we don't excel at.  We don't have to be perfect all the time.  We can't!

Yeah, I didn't blog this year.  I missed the last 10 years as well.  No one is just DYING to know what is going on in our lives.  It is okay if I keep my ramblings to myself for a year or two (or ten), right?  I spent more time playing games (am I the only one addicted to Words with Friends?) with my husband online.  That is what I needed.  We had fun.  I don't regret not focusing on blogging.  I may actually have failed at that, but good came out of it.

The never ending homeschool struggle.  Is there a book I read somewhere that made me think this would ever be easy?  Being responsible for the education of four very different children is a lot of work.  It is thankless work.  They have the memories of parakeets.  They get that from me.  Do I double fail because of that?  What I struggled to see was that J has an 'A' in math.  My son, who used to cry every day for years about math, is succeeding.  M is finally (FREAKING FINALLY) remembering his parts of speech.  Who knew he needed hands on reinforcements.  Homemade games work wonders!  N is actually comprehending what he reads and listens to.  Take that Colin Powell Preschool special ed department.  Not only can he "function like a typical person," but he is thriving.  A is taking off and finding her passions.  She kicked dyslexia's butt and spends hours and hours READING.  They are finding such huge successes.  The day-to-day stuff is tough and we all get frustrated, but those things are huge... and that isn't even all of the major stuff they have accomplished.

I didn't expect to be married right now.  I thought for sure, this was the year we would finally give in. The fact that we are still together, and that we are even stronger says an awful lot about the things I couldn't see in my marriage.  There is not failure there.  It feels that way sometimes.  I am not the dream wife I have in my head.  I still haven't tricked him into saying  convinced him to say heard the three words I have longed to hear from my husband for more than 13 years.... "you are beautiful"   My marital unicorn.  I want to be whatever my husband thinks is beautiful.  I am not. I may never be.  There will always be that broken hole in my heart longing for those words to be spoken sincerely.  I am working.  I am working to become what I think he wants me to be.  Someday....  Maybe everything I see over the wall still points to failing as a wife, but not failing in doing this marriage thing.  Is that possible?

My children.  They are amazing.  They deserve better.  That is an area I am constantly failing.  There is no way to master this whole being a mother thing.  There are always one million ways to approach any situation.  I could have reacted differently to one situation, or been more proactive in another.  I say hurtful things or enable helplessness.  Moment by moment, I have to get on my tip toes to see over that dang wall and peek at the good things they learn from me.  They are just the best people.  If you haven't met them, you will someday.  They are going to change our world.

Fat.  Fat and insecure.  That is a failing duo of dysfunction.  I have a beach body coach.  I have a plan.  I have more determination than ever.  I am failing, but I WILL NOT always be.

It is hard to see the good in so many complicated areas of our lives.  I know I am not the only person who struggled in 2014.  There are many, many reasons I chose the word of the year that I did.  My word is FORWARD.  I don't want to look back.  I want to keep moving forward.  I want to set better goals and never stop working to accomplish those goals.  This is not the year for quitting anything.  I have some things going on in my life that make me want to just lock myself in my room and cry all day.  I absolutely will not let myself get to that point this year.  This is not a year to be depressed.  This is not a year to be thinking dark thoughts.  This is not a year to dwell on the negatives.  This is a year to move FORWARD.

It doesn't matter how much I failed or didn't fail in 2014.  I am moving FORWARD in 2015, and nothing can stop me.

Won't you join me in my plan to make 2015 a year of FORWARD momentum?

Thank you for putting up with me.

Mandy #forward15

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